Author's Chapter Notes:
Bas and I were talking. THIS happened. Acknowledgments to Bas, for encouraging me in my evil, offering numerous suggestions, and giving me the title, too.
Really, there was only so much one man could take. Granted, it was up to that man to know his own limits and live accordingly, but *still*.

Xavier thought he was doing quite well, considering. His students were actually learning both about their powers and the world around them, and his teachers were only having a *few* clandestine affairs that were bound to end in tragedy. He'd daresay any headmaster would be envious of his successes, and sympathetic toward his failures.

Failures, like the fact that one disastrous appointment with St John and his damnable habit of carrying around things like *kerosene* in his backpack, followed by another -- albeit brief -- appointment with Logan and his damnable cigars had left his lovely, antique desk a smoking ruin.

Really, more of an above-ground crater than anything resembling a desk.

He'd have to add a few items to the list of items students were simply not allowed to carry around.

Xavier sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Um. Sorry about that, Chuck. Really should've smelled the. Kerosene." Logan coughed.

Xavier pinched harder.

"You have... ah. A splinter. On your lapel. Just kind of... jutting. Out." Logan coughed again, and Xavier realized the man was *laughing*.

Xavier glared and Logan just laughed harder, falling into a crouch and covering his mouth.

"Jesus, you just, you should've seen your *face*. It was --"

"Logan. What did I tell you about *smoking* within the school?"

The man's eyebrows shot up. "Hey, now, that was just in Cerebro, you wouldn't really..."

Xavier concentrated.

"I mean, hey now, let's not be hasty here --"

Xavier concentrated hard.

"You don't really want to --"

Very hard.

"I mean, it's all fun and games until --" Logan blinked. Looked down at himself curiously. And sat down tailor-fashion on the floor. And began sucking his thumb.

Xavier smiled. "Hello, Loganette. How are you today?"

The thumb came out with a wet pop. "Your office smells funny."

Xavier positively beamed. "You're absolutely right. Why don't we take a walk around the school instead?"

Loganette grinned back. "Okay!"

The first person they met was Bobby, drinking a soda that was probably cold enough to break the teeth of anyone else. "Bobby! Nice to see you."

"Hey, Professor. Hey... Logan." Bobby eyed them curiously.

Xavier looked up to find Loganette sucking his thumb again and staring up shyly through his lashes.

At moments like these, he often wished he wore leather gloves, or had a particularly surly cat to stroke. He smiled instead. "Loganette here is learning an *important* lesson about smoking. Say 'hello' to Bobby, dear."


"Loganette? ... smoking? Um. Yeah. I think... I think I have homework to do bye."

Bobby took off with some speed, presumably to his own room.

Loganette frowned. "Didn't he wanna talk?"

Xavier patted his arm. "I suppose not, Loganette. Why don't we see who else we can find?"


The next person they met was Jean, coming out of her lab and looking rather distracted.

"Jean! I have someone I want you to meet."

She smiled automatically, and looked around, eyes floating right past Loganette before settling on him with shock. "Professor?"

"Meet Loganette, Jean." He could see the man waving shyly out of the corner of his eye.

"He... he thinks he's *six*!"

Xavier looked up again. Loganette was frowning thunderously. "I *am* six! I turned six just. Um. I don't know! But I'm six. I'm not a baby!"

"Loganette and I were having a chat about smoking, Jean."

"About... oh." She blinked. Swallowed. Bit her lip. "You know, Loganette, I have some ribbons in my room."


Xavier coughed.

Jean smiled sweetly. "You know, for your hair. You have *very* pretty hair."

Loganette smiled and shuffled his feet. "Thank you."

Xavier smiled and steepled his fingers. "Why don't we *all* go see if we can find the ribbons?"


And off they went, passing somewhat shocky-looking students on the way. Jean radiated amusement like heat. *He's gonna kill us for this.*

*I do believe it will have been worth it.*

Abruptly, Loganette paused and leaned in close to Jean.


"Your hair smells funny."

Jean frowned for a moment before breaking into a sunny smile. "Do you like pink, Loganette?"

"Oooh, yes!" Loganette bounced and giggled, leather jacket flapping and boots clomping on the floor.

They found the ribbons with little difficulty. And a string of imitation pearls. And a dress Scott had bought for Jean in the early stages of their relationship, before the notion of sizes had gotten into his brain.

Or the notion of style.

"That bow on the bodice is quite... *something*, Jean."

"It's a gorgeous shade of fuchsia, don't you think? But really, it's nothing compared to these lovely pleats, don't you think?"

Xavier bit the inside of his cheek and watched Loganette skipping through Jean and Scott's bedroom. "Scott wouldn't happen to have bought you any *shoes*...?"

And really, Jean could smile quite viciously when she put her mind to it. "Sadly, no."

Just then, Scott himself walked in.

And stopped dead.

And blinked. Not that you could really tell, but Xavier felt sure he blinked, just the same.

Jean turned her smile on him. "The Professor was just teaching Loganette about all the reasons he shouldn't smoke, Scott."

"Smoking is icky!" One of Loganette's hair bows was starting to slip. His hands were firmly planted on his hips.

Scott leaned against the doorframe and smiled. "You don't say..."

Loganette beamed. "I *do* say." Giggled. "What's *your* name?"

Scott bowed. "My name's Scott, Loganette. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Loganette giggled some more. "You're *silly*."

Scott grinned harder. "Say, Professor, you wouldn't happen to have taught Loganette any lessons about stealing people's motorcycles?"

"Stealing is WRONG!"

Scott gazed heavenward and wrapped an arm around Jean's waist. "I knew there was a reason I picked this side."

Xavier sighed in satisfaction. "Doing good is its own reward, Scott." He looked over to find Loganette frowning around at the room. "What is it, dear?"

"Do you have any dollies?"

Scott frowned sadly. "No we don't, sweetie."

Loganette scuffed at the carpet with his boots. "Oh."

"But I bet I know who does!"

Xavier imagined they made quite a procession as they moved through the halls. Him in his chair, Scott and Jean arm in arm, and Loganette skipping gaily ahead, skirt swinging in counterpoint with the occasional flash of maple leaf boxers. It was a sight to do a man's heart proud.

As usual, there was something of a quiet party in Jubilee's room. The stereo was playing something blandly execrable that nonetheless made Scott tap his feet, and the room itself was filled with girls in various stages of getting their hair done, their nails done, or simply chattering happily.

All of it stopped dead when Loganette skipped in.

"Oh. My. God."

Xavier thought that was probably Kitty.

"Jubilee, everyone," Scott was using his Teacher Voice. "The Professor was just teaching Loganette here a valuable lesson about what happens when you don't pay attention to the *rules*. I think we all understand that, don't we?"

A chorus of agreement.

"But now, Loganette is *all done* with her work, and wants to play. Isn't that right, Loganette?"

Loganette nodded and waved to the girls. "Hi."

They fell on him like a pack of wolves.

Xavier waved absently and rolled his way back to the ruin of his office. He'd call in someone to take care of the wreckage tomorrow, but for now...

Well, the bit of illusion and control he'd worked on Logan couldn't possibly last *much* longer.

He wondered what color they'd paint his nails.

Xavier smiled to himself.

Perhaps he would see about getting a cat, after all.

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