I can't take it anymore.
I watch you every day, make sure you are alright.
In my heart, I know you will never be alright.
Day by day, I watch you drive yourself into exhaustion, into depression. I watch you hate.
This isn't who you are.
My choice in the end, destroyed you. And that is not what I intended. I couldn't watch you die.
I hope you forgive me. I have heard you say the words, I never wanted to hear you say about me.
The morning after you returned home, you were laying in our bed, you hadn't slept, and you were crying. You said you hated me, hated me for leaving the plane, leaving you.
I never wanted you to feel that way. But I guess in the long run, I never thought that losing me would have broken you.
I am sorry.
The Professor is worried about you.
I am not quite sure how I can still communicate with him, or how I can watch over you. But I am not going to think to much about it, I am just glad I still can.
He asked me to do something. He wasn't sure what I could do, but he is afraid that you will do something to yourself.
And I can see that you already have.
This isn't what I envisioned. I am so sorry.
So here I sit, in our room, two months after that faithful day in Canada. Its early, the sun isn't even up yet. Snow has covered the ground and the trees, like a blanket.
I am watching you sleep.
Grateful that finally you are getting a few hours of rest, you need it.
I am hesitant to wake you. But how do I need to feel you. To feel your arms around me, to love me once again. The Professor always said mutation is a step in evolution. That things change, to adapt to the world around them.
I just hope you still love me.
I wasn't supposed to come back into your life this soon, but this is the way it has to be.
I have to fix this.
As I get up and move to the bed, you are laying on my side. I gently kneel down beside the bed and reach out to trace the side of your face. Hoping not to wake you, but hoping that I will.
You stir, but not wake, so I repeat the motion, and your features change. I can tell you are waking now.
"Jean?" You whisper, as like you aren't sure if I am there or not.
"Yeah." My eyes are clouding with tears. I can't help it. God how I love you.
You sit up a little and turn towards me. "How..how.. I …don't…"
"Shhhh" I put a finger to his lips. "I am here now."
"I don't understand, I watched you…"
You can' say the word. But that's ok, because I know what you mean.
"I don't know how it is possible, but I think for some reason I changed."
He is crying now. "I am afraid if I touch you, you will just disappear on me."
"You can touch me, I am not going anywhere."
That's all it took, we were in each other's arms.
I never wanted to let go, this was heaven to me.
"Why now?" He looked at me. I knew he had a million questions.
"I was worried about you, everyone was worried Scott." I looked away for a moment, "I am sorry. I didn't know that my decision was going to hurt you. All I wanted to do was save you."
I was crying openly now.
"I am so sorry." I kept repeating it over and over, like I could never say sorry enough.
"You are here now."
"But I wasn't here before, and look at you. I watched you day by day destroy yourself. I couldn't bear it anymore."
You gently wipe my tears away from my cheeks, and I lean into your touch. I can't get enough, I have missed you so much.
"You could see me? Why didn't you…come sooner?" He says almost angry.
"I wasn't ready Scott, do you think that I wanted to sit here and watch what you did to yourself, to the others? Do you think I liked it?"
You looked down at our hands. "No."
"Is this the reason why you were so off after Liberty?" You ask me.
"Yes, I think it is. This change…" I don't know how to word it to him.
"Yes, Scott, change."
"What kind of change?"
"A healing one."
You look at me with a blank stare.
"Phoenix…the healing bird...rise from the ashes and all that."
"So you ever really…"
"No I don't think so, but it was a step that needed to be taken in order for me to become me." I take his hands in mine, "And I am sorry that you had to go through what you did."
A smile, I haven't seen one in a long time.
"I think we should tell the Professor, don't you?"
How do I tell him, that he already knows, that he is the reason why I am here. Well part of the reason anyway.
"Scott, umm…he already knows." You just look at me like I have six heads. I am not sure if you are angry or not.
"He knows already?"
"Yes, he has known since you returned home."
You pull away from me and rise from the bed.
"I am sorry Scott, I thought you would at least feel me here with you."
"Well I didn't all I felt was cold, emptiness, loneliness, nothing, hatred…do you need me to go on?"
"No you don't need to. I understand." And I did, that was the scary part.
"How could you leave me like that, then go to the Professor and not to me…then watch over me, watch me grieve, and not do anything about it?
I don't know…it killed me to watch him.
"Do you think I enjoyed watching you grieve me, watching you cry yourself to sleep gripping my pillow at night, watching you hate everyone that crossed in your path?"
"No I didn't, all I wanted to do is come back and have you hold me, have you love me." I move to stand behind him, "All I wanted to fix the damage I had made, and move on with you by my side."
As I reach up to touch your shoulder, you don't move away but I can feel you tense, "I love you, always have, always will."
Slowly you turn around and wrap yourself around me. And yes that's the correct way to describe it. A mixture of body and soul, you gave yourself to me once again, and this time I am never going to let you go.
"I love you." You whisper into my hair, gripping me even harder, afraid to let go.
I don't mind, I never want you to let go.
From the ashes we rise up to start life.